Music, Sweet Music I Wish I Could Caress

I've been slightly manic depressive for a few years now, not really severely enough to actually do anything about it or even be medically diagnosed. I say this because from time to time I experience periods of irrational depression and/or elatedness. They usually come close together, in pairs or cycles. Typically the periods only last for a few hours at a time, but those few hours can be quite grueling (or awesome, in the case of manic ones). I actually had my first migraine last spring, and I draw a parallel between that experience and my depression. It will start slow, gradually increase in severity until I'm almost completely incapacitated, then after a few hours eventually start to recede. Also like migraines, I have no idea what external or internal circumstances trigger my body to react in this way.

I have tried a number of things over the last few years to help cope with these sessions when they occur, some more successful than others. There are also a few things I have yet to try that I would like to, but have been too afraid. Many of these things you can find on most depression help sites, but I wanted to share my personal experience.

Disclaimer: I don't claim to be an expert on anything I write about on this blog, this being no exception. Any advice given below should be taken with a grain of salt, since it is based entirely on my own personal experience with a very mild form of depression. If you think you have clinical depression, you should seek help from a doctor. Thanks for reading my blog though :).

Reactive Things I've tried

• Drinking -- Alcohol is not a good depression remedy, for all the reasons usually mentioned. The temptation is hard to resist, however, when all you want to do is take your mind off of things. In most cases, it will probably keep your mind on things instead.
• Doing nothing -- Most of the time when I am depressed, I find it hard to do anything except lie down. It's not possible to sleep, and has contributed to my insomnia problems in the past. Other than drinking, this is probably the worst thing you can do when you are depressed in my opinion.
• Thinking "positive" -- I have always been sort of an independent, and probably arrogant, person. So when I considered the idea of "depression," I figured I could fight it off by just forcing myself to think positively. It turns out this doesn't work. At all. It just creates a battle in your own mind and causes frustration when it fails to work.
  
• Being around others -- This sounds like a good idea off the bat, but it really isn't. Whenever I am depressed and around other people, even if they are having a good time, I am pretty impervious to the mood. It also makes me feel like I am having an adverse effect on their fun, which creates a spiral of depressing thoughts.
• Cleaning -- This has probably been one of my most successful remedies for depression. I think it helps for two reasons. One, you are doing something, which helps take your mind off of depressing things. Second, it makes you feel better to have accomplished something. I also think a clean environment has an overall general positive effect on mood.
• Going for a walk in nature -- This is one of my most recent attempts during less severe bouts of depression. I like this because it allows me to get away from everything and clear my head, while being in a peaceful and serene environment. I recommend finding a place outside of town, or maybe in a large park where there aren't very many people. I hesistate to recommend something like this for severe cases however, since being alone in an unfamiliar place probably isn't such a great idea

Proactive things I've tried

• Meditation -- Meditating has done wonders for both my approach to every day life and my own internal monologue. It helps create a positive outlook on life from within, without forcing yourself. in a way, you develop the ability to recognize emotional responses to stimuli, but have a choice whether to allow those emotions to manifest themselves (this is different than burying or hiding your emotions). It also helps to accept things as they come and deal with them, not dwelling on the past, but learning from it and looking to the future. This all sounds like common sense stuff, and it is, but being able to calm your mind and train it to think this way is less than easy.
• Sleeping more -- This is a no-brainer as well, but I do seem to notice a correlation between lack of sleep and frequency of depression.
• Recognition -- This is one of those "admitting you have a problem is the first step" kinds of deals. Recognizing that my depression was not the direct result of some external issue and that there was nothing I could do to make it go away really allowed me to get my head around things and deal with it. The fact that I know now that it will go away after a few hours goes a long way towards helping with this when it occurs. Interestingly enough, recognition of the manic side of things was not as obvious. It was sort of a surprise one day when I was loving life and I realized "There is really no reason for me to be this ridiculously happy, especially when I felt so horrible just last night..." I was able to recognize it better from that point forward.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet that I do quite often is play the guitar. I haven't mentioned it because it gets it's own sort of special category, since I love to do it both when I am depressed and when I am manic. Guitar is a form of meditation for me and allows me to take my mind off of things when I am depressed. It is also super fun, which makes it a good thing to do when I am manic as well :). That is really what prompted this post in the first place.

Medatative Running

Aside: This is the triumphant return of my blog, so expect more frequent updates in the future. We'll see how long I can keep this up before it dies again.

I recently started running (again) and have resumed a practice that I found refreshing and useful a few months ago. "Meditating", or clearing your mind, while running is an interesting and fun exercise. I first started thinking about it when reading about walking meditation. Then I ran across a post by Leo from Zen Habits that described being in the moment while running, which is essentially what I am trying to do. I won't go into too many specifics here, check out the previous post if you want to learn more about it. I will say, however, that one trick that helps me clear my mind and focus is that whenever distracting thoughts surface I acknowledge them, but then imagine them floating past me as I run by so they don't stick around for long.

If your a runner (or even if you're not) I suggest giving this a try and see if you like it. One of the important things to point out from the Zen Habits post is to try the concentration in bursts at first, since it is somewhat difficult to hold while your body is under stress.

Project Charlie

"You can't be somebody you're not"
"Just be yourself"

These are both phrases that I have heard multiple times throughout my life. In movies, TV, and classrooms these are fairly common themes that are typically given a positive spin. A classic example is the scenario where a "socially challenged" student tries to impress a girl by doing various things outside of his normal routine. In the end he wins her over by just "being himself." The morale of that story is to just be yourself and everything will work out in the end.

Here's my question: Why?

Without delving too deep into exactly what is "self" and how each of us is really defined as a person, I'd like to just probe into this common theme a little bit. To start with, it would seem to me that by always being "yourself" you would remain in a static state of personality. I would argue that people grow and change (for better or worse) by doing things outside of their normal routine or set of actions. So in a sense you can only grow as a person by not being yourself until not being yourself becomes part of your self... Yeah that sentence sucked but hopefully you get my point.

Let's look at a few other phrases that might pop up at certain points:
"You're just not our type"
"You're annoying"
"Why do you always have to be such a dick?"

Now if any of those statements were made in your direction, you could respond with "But I'm just being myself" and everything would be OK, right? Obviously not (in the majority of cases). So there you either have two options: to change your habits and personality to better fit in or please the other person, or don't change and settle with the results.

So say you've decided to try to change your personality or whatever to better please the type of people making the three previous comments. This may have unintentional consequences. First, you may begin to displease people that were happy with the way your personality currently is. Second, you may just end up looking like a poser or trying way to hard. (Too bad there is no way to regression test your personality against cases like this...)

I've never been a big fan of trying to "fit in" or of fitting into a mold. However the point I am trying to haphazardly get across in this post is that change isn't always a bad thing. It's how people grow. Don't be "yourself" all the time. Try being somebody else for a day. See what happens, see what you can learn and take away from the experience to improve your own lifestyle and how you interact with other people.

I'm calling from your house, in your room, in your name, lying in your bed, following your dreams.

On Talk Radio

I'm finally plugged back into the Lifestream and halfway settled in my summer abode, so it's finally time for another wordy and rambling post.

I was on the road quite a bit this past weekend and in order to make the time go faster, I tried listening to talk radio. This is something I hadn't really ever done before so it was a new experience and my impressions of it are limited to a few hours of listening. Normally I wouldn't make judgments and what have you with such short exposure, but I need to vent some frustration.

First of all while browsing through the AM stations trying to find something interesting, I was surprised how poorly most of them came in. The only ones that came in really clear were either sports stations or evangelical Christian preachers. I did manage for short spurts of time to tune into a few politically oriented stations.

One of the first stations I started listening to was a discussion between the host and a Maryland professor about Capitalism's affect on American society and how it has changed over the years due to increasingly heavy advertising and marketing. At first the discussion was somewhat interesting and there were decent points brought up on both sides of the issue that at least gave me something to think about. After a while the discussion, which had started out with at least a thin layer of respect and open-mindedness, began to get more heated. Both men started repeating themselves constantly while not answering the other person's point, and their arguments got weaker and weaker with less evidence. I got the impression that the radio host was incredibly pompous while the professor was probably just extremely earnest. The affect was the same on either side regardless.

This is a trend I noticed pretty consistently as I scrolled through the stations. The worst ones were the shows that had no opponent and no discussion. It was basically just some guy masturbating his ego and spouting off his opinions as if they were most obvious thing in the world. You'd have to be blind or an idiot to not see his point. A lot of talk was about some 350 page immigration reform bill that no one had read. The bill had not been released to the public yet. Most of congress hadn't even seen it and these guys were all giving their opinion about whether it was/wasn't good.

That last paragraph was kind of off topic. The main problem I took from this experience (as well as my limited podcast debate listening) is that people don't come to a debate/discussion with any intention of listening. Most of these situations that I have seen don't have people coming to try to debate each other in order to find common ground or understanding. Their main goal isn't even really to debate their opponent's arguments. They come with the idea that they will just say what they believe over and over until somebody accepts it. I desperately crave to hear a debate where both parties understand and respect each other. Where quality responsive arguments are made. Where facts are used from credible trustworthy sources. Where the tone of voice isn't one of malice or aggression. Where there is an air of friendship rather than hostility. I want to see people come together not necessarily with the intention of "winning," but instead with a thirst for understanding.

That being said, I think it is quite necessary for a person to stand strong behind her thoughts, beliefs, or ideals. You can still be passionate and champion an idea without holding a strong animosity towards those behind others.

When I look up to the skies I see your eyes a funny kind of yellow

Post Explosion

So apologies for the three rapid posts. The one right below this is kind of long, but make sure (if anyone actually reads this) to check out the one two posts down.

The previous post is my attempt at publishing a Google document directly to my blog. Turned out to be kind of a pain to get it to not be formatted stupid.

A little background on the story: This story is a collaboration between my friend Ben and I that we worked on using Google's online version of Microsoft word. It was a pretty neat experience. The software is nice for collaborative work, because it auto-saves as a revision about every 30 seconds while you are working on it (This might be changeable). It also allows simultaneous edits and keeps track of previous revisions for easy diffs and reverts. However it is still limited by the fact that it is a web interface.

I came up with this story during about half of an Explosions in the Sky concert (hence the title). It was an amazing experience. Anyway I told Ben about it right after the concert and he said I should write it down. Being the lazy guy that I am, I balked at the concept until he said he'd help me with it. So a few days later I wrote down everything I could remember about the story and sent the notes to him. Ben took the notes and composed the story below, adding his own ideas here and there throughout as well and the first draft was born. We then set up a Google document for it allowing us to make multiple revisions and leave comments without ever having to really communicate too much (we go to different schools).

The story itself is kind of weird. I'm somewhat interested to see what other people think of it. I may write more analytically about it in a later post. For now I think I've taken up enough of the blogger server space for one night. Peace.

"Explosions in the Sky"

The hero sits alone at a picnic table in a grove. It is autumn and the grove is glowing with the beauty of slowly dying leaves. Brilliantly colored leaves lie scattered about the ground.

The trees, however, still appear full and seem to not mind losing their charming companions. Leading off in one direction is a walking trail, but it is difficult to tell its boundaries because of the fallen leaves. The hero sits there, appearing to be perfectly content. This appearance is not visible on his face, but, rather, it is the feeling that one gets when one looks at him. The hero seems to be deep in thought or not thinking about anything at all. There is no in-between .

The hero suddenly looks up. There is no change of expression on his face. In fact, if one were to guess what he was feeling, the only logical explanation would be that he appeared to feel no emotions at all. Yet every action that he takes is deliberate, as if he has just made the most important decision in his life.

There is a girl standing before him. She was not there before, she did not walk up to him, she is just…there. The hero stands up and faces her for a brief moment. Then they both turn in unison and begin walking down the path away from the picnic table. This does not seem odd, though. It looks as if that is the only possible thing that could have happened in this situation.

They walk down the path, never once looking at each other, never once acknowledging that the other exists. But it is not a cold distance they share. It is shared sense of harmony and trust that make words and glances and physical contact seem superfluous. The hero senses that the girl is, in a way, leading him to something. He wholly accepts this, possessed by an overwhelming feeling that this is why she came. The girl has a simple expression on her face that hints at playfulness and joy but never reaches either. She appears incredibly content as if she is always expecting something wonderful to happen.

As they walk, they pass different people. These people, based on all observable criteria, appear to be real. But the hero and the girl sense that they do not actually exist. They share a sense that the grove is not supposed to have any people in it besides them. The people they pass include a jogger in sweats running with a dog, a homeless person sitting by the path sleeping on a pile of papers, and a group of kids kicking a soccer ball and laughing loudly.

The girl and her companion never change pace or slow to talk to these people, nor do the people appear to take note of them. The hero, naturally, looks blankly at the people as they are passing. The girl does not look at them, however it is obvious she knows they are there.

The grove ends abruptly and without warning. The two are not disturbed by this. Rather than be surprised, they are filled with a feeling of peace and fulfillment. As abruptly as the end comes, there is a sense that the grove couldn't possibly have ended at any other moment.

In front of them is a vast expanse of green grass and rolling hills. It is late afternoon and the sun is radiating a gentle heat on the back of their necks.

They pause for a moment to absorb everything they are sensing. Time slows to a halt as they slowly take in the absolute calm and beauty in front of them. The hero is feels extremely content in the grove, yet there is something inside him that does not feel at peace. Eventually, the hero turns to look at the girl, but she in no longer there. For a moment, the hero stares blankly at the spot where she had stood so recently. Then, without hesitation, he turns and begins to walk back into the grove.

When he enters the grove, something is noticeably different. It no longer feels like the serene and peaceful haven that it once was. It is difficult to comprehend what has changed, but the feeling that it has changed is unshakable. The hero knows this, but continues to walk forward with the emotionless expression on his face.

As the hero moves deeper and deeper into the grove, the change becomes more and more noticeable. Fewer leaves are present on the trees and on the ground. The grove slowly develops a washed out look to it, with the brilliant colors disappearing slowly enough that one could not tell by just looking in the immediate vicinity. Gradually, a mist starts to grow and expand. Eventually the mist is so thick that the hero begins to feel that nothing exists beyond it.

Branches and roots that weren’t present before begin to hinder the hero’s progress through the grove. His advancement is slowed and eventually the brush becomes so thick that he has to fight for every inch of progress. The grove almost appears to be attacking him deliberately, grabbing at his ankles and arms. A sense of desperation slowly builds inside the hero. The thick vastness of the trees seems to be closing in tighter and tighter around him, as if he is walking down a tunnel who's opening is getting smaller and smaller. Just when it appears as if the opening is going to close for good, the hero stumbles out of the grove sweating and panting with small scratches all over his body. His facial expression, however, remains unchanged.

In front of the hero is a small stretch of grass and a sandy beach that stretches for miles in each direction. The hero pauses to catch his breath and take in his surroundings. Behind him the grove looks normal, but there does not appear to be any way to re-enter it. It is late afternoon and the sun is in front of him, seeming to beckon him to walk away from the grove.

The hero walks to the edge of the ocean, but not close enough to get wet, even with the rising and falling of the tide. He lies down on his back with his feet pointed towards the ocean staring up at the sky. The sky is a beautiful azure with sparse fluffy clouds. The hero closes his eyes, but he is not sleeping. He appears to straddle the line between consciousness and unconsciousness.

The hero lays there for some time, completely motionless except for the rise and fall of his chest. When he opens his eyes, the sky is completely gray and he is greeted by a couple of raindrops splashing on his face. It is impossible to tell exactly how long it has been. He lies there a moment longer before abruptly getting up and walking down the beach. The rain picks up quickly and plateaus at a point where it is steadily raining but not pouring. The rain falls down in straight vertical lines and the hero stares up at the sky. He gazes at the clouds like a person who looks up at a melting icicle after a drop has landed on his head. The hero continues to walk with a blank expression on his face and the rain eventually stops.

The hero keeps walking and travels all over the world. He walks through jungles and plains, through tundra and caves, through deserts and swamps, over mountains and rivers. It would appear to at first glance that he is wandering aimlessly, but if one were to look more closely it would become clear that each stride the hero takes conveys a sense of purpose. He is indeed searching for something, and each step in any direction is one step closer to his goal.

Eventually, the hero arrives in the center of a bustling city where the skyscrapers blot out the sky. He walks down the city sidewalk in the opposite direction of the flow of human traffic. Even though he has no specific destination, he feels inclined to progress forward through the crowd.

He stays in the city for some time and tries his hand at various jobs. Each time he starts a new job he does well at first. However, a variable amount of time after he starts the new job, he sees Her
face out of the corner of his eye. Then, he leaves and starts the next job. The hero participates in this cycle a number of times, each with the same result.


One day, the hero sits at a desk with stacks of blueprints all around him. As expected, he sees Her face and once again walks out. Although no one could tell from his blank expression, one had the feeling that this time he was not walking out of a job, he was walking out of all of his jobs. He exits into the street and starts walking against the flow of people again.

Abruptly, all of the pedestrians turn into the girl. They pay no attention to him. The hero is shocked and does not know what to make of the situation he is experiencing. Yet, he never stops working his way through the mass of people and continues on with a still expression on his face. The crowd eventually thins and he makes his way out of the city.

The hero finds himself walking through the same vast expanse of green grass and rolling hills as before. At the crest of one of the hills he spots a small cabin in the small valley below him. As he walks towards the cabin, he is struck by the feeling that this was not his home until he saw it, but now that it has been introduced, it has always been his home.

The hero enters the cabin and for the first time in a long while feels somewhat content. The cabin is sparsely furnished and has a small fireplace that is lit. He sits down in a chair with his back towards the fireplace and watches the wall. A storm starts to build outside the cabin and the hero begins to hear thunder in the distance. The thunder gradually grows louder and louder until it begins to shake the small cabin. Rain starts to slap heavily against the house.

The hero gets up, opens the door, and looks out. Instead of seeing a storm, he watches a war rage outside his door in the torrential rain. He walks out into the storm while lightning and mortar shells descend all around him. As he advances, he sees people engaged in hand to hand combat. There is no way to tell who is fighting who. No one shows allegiance to anyone and the battle continues with no discernible break. Despite this, the hero continues to walk in the same direction, right through the middle of the fracas.

As he walks, the hero is bumped by two people fighting and stumbles slightly. This happens a few more times, but each subsequent bump is harder and the interval between them is shorter. Then people start to hit him, almost inadvertently at first, but eventually with obvious intent. The hitting continues to escalate until the fighting seems to be focused solely on him. The hero continues to be attacked mercilessly, but never slows his advance.

Slowly, methodically, he is beaten to the point where he can longer stand. Despite this, he continues to crawl in the same direction. Someone kicks him in the stomach, knocking him on his back. The hero lies there in the mud with a blank expression on his face as people march over him. Eventually, he passes out from the pain. Darkness ensues.

Suddenly, the hero hears a faint voice from somewhere in the Darkness. Not a voice, but a call, an invitation. He crawls back to the surface of consciousness and opens his eyes to a sky that is indescribably blue. The battle is over and there is no evidence that it ever occurred. The hero is still in intense pain and can barely move. He slowly rolls over and looks up the hill.

The hero sees a path leading up to the grove. Between him and the grove are two walls that seem to stretch into infinity in both directions. The hero never takes his eyes off the grove and starts to strenuously crawl towards it. Eventually he starts to stand and slowly hobbles, then jogs, then sprints in a frenzied desperation to reach the grove. He reaches the edge of the grove without ever coming in contact with the walls.

As he approaches the grove, he sees the girl standing at the entrance. The hero stops a few yards before her and she smiles ever so slightly at him. Then, without hesitation, she turns and walks into the grove.

They walk along the path in silence, the hero always trailing a few yards behind the girl. She never looks back. It is not even possible that he is not there. As they walk, the hero considers everything that has happened since the last time he was in the grove. The girl reaches the other edge of the grove and stops. The hero stands beside her, and she turns and smiles at him. He again feels extremely content, but unlike his previous experience in the grove, the hero feels completely at ease. His journey is complete. Unlocking eyes, they both look out before them. In the distance there appears to be a stunning sunrise, a mushroom cloud, or perhaps both. Either way, the sublime mixture of light and sky inspires a spirit of awe in them. The girl and the hero take each other’s hands without making eye contact, and they both smile.

On Faith

So it's been a while since I last posted. I've been busy and also didn't really have anything organized to write about. So there, that's my excuse.

I guess I'll talk about #3 in the previous post. This was brought up again in a conversation I had with a friend. The key issue at hand here is this: Is it necessary to know everything possible about something in order to believe in it? That's probably poorly worded, but it's difficult to describe in a single sentence so I'll give you an example.

Bill is a Christian belonging to an large and organized demonination and believes in God but doesn't really think much about the details of his beliefs. He goes to church and prays and does all of the required stuff, but doesn't really question why. He is certain that God is involved in all aspects of his life. Questions such as free will, the extent of God's presence in the world, the nuances between different religions, etc are all unimportant to Bill. He just believes in God and that his belief will get him to heaven.

Is there anything wrong with Bill's philosophy? Let's look at another angle.

Anna is an atheist/agnostic and meets Bill. At some point the conversation turns to religion. Anna begins to drill Bill with questions about his beliefs. Bill of course can't answer most of them since he doesn't really know the history (other than a few bible passages and stories), motivation, or even slightly detailed theologies of the belief system he claims to adhere to.

I'm not saying Bill is necessarily wrong, but in the circumstances I just described he comes off as not invested and perhaps even unintelligent about his beliefs. If he has any evangelical hopes, this is a bit of an obstacle.

So back to the main question. If a person is to believe in something so fully and so important that it affects much of his life, ought not that person to learn everything possible about what he claims to believe?

Now comes the personal part of this post. This question struck a chord with me as a Catholic. Catholicism, if you are unaware, is deeply rooted in ritual and tradition. There are many traditions just within the mass itself that I guarantee most Catholics (myself included) do not fully understand. In fact, I am of the opinion that it is nearly impossible to understand every facet of Catholic faith without becoming a full time theologian. Now I am the kind of person who likes to understand everything that I do, at least to some extent. So being unable to necessarily know or understand all of the beliefs I subscribe to is really what caused this whole discussion.

So I think I've established that I don't necessarily hold with either end of the spectrum. On one end we have nothing but the simplest possible understanding of a belief system. On the other end is the ideal state of understanding everything. So at what point in the middle is it acceptable to say you "believe" in a set of beliefs, and why?

I honestly don't have any kind of answer to that question. I'm not sure an answer would even be appropriate. I can't think of any sort of convincing argument one way or the other.

We dress ourselves in words, armed and overheard